Sunday, January 3, 2016

our loss

It's been two weeks since we miscarried our first pregnancy.  It happened on December 18th. 
One day before, I found out my best friend was also pregnant and we were due within weeks of each other next August.  We hugged and giggled and squealed at the thought of going through pregnancy together, maternity leave at the same time, and having babies who could grow up together.  It seemed so perfect.  I couldn't sleep that night because I was so excited.  We also planned for the following week to share our news with our families and close friends on Christmas, so we had a lot to look forward to.  I got these onesies to give to our parents when we were opening Christmas presents to announce the news-
Christmas Pregnancy announcement idea for grandma and grandpa ONESIE ® brand bodysuit or shirt  pregnancy reveal for grandparents or family

But Friday, exactly 1 week before Christmas, I started spotting at work.  My heart sank.  Even though it started really light there was a part of me that just knew it was over.  Working at the hospital I called the midwife line (several times that day) and got my beta hcg checked - 2832.  Pretty low for a pregnancy that roughly dated about 7 1/2 weeks.  The midwife wouldn't let me get an ultrasound and wanted me to go home and wait it out for the weekend.  The spotting turned in to bleeding heavier than any other period I typically get, and soon after it was accompanied by strong cramping.  By the time I got home from work that afternoon Pete and I discussed waiting it out, ignoring it for a few hours and going out (we had plans with friends to rent a limo to go look at Christmas lights that night), or head the ER and definitively confirm an impending miscarriage.  The drive to the ER was quiet.  Pete still had hope while I tried to prepare him for what was happening.

The experience at the ER was also a first for me, and definitely weird to be the patient instead of the provider.  We rechecked a beta hcg - now down to 2290.  The bleeding was getting heavier and heavier and we checked a pelvic ultrasound - incredibly uncomfortable when you're bleeding and cramping.  This was our first look at our little baby.  But there was no heart beat.  And it only measured 6 weeks, 6 days.  The gestational sac was low in the uterus.  The ER doctor said maybe my dates were off and it was too early to see a heart beat but with the heavy bleeding and the rapidly dropping hcg levels, it wasn't looking good..or "likely fetal demise" as it was worded on the ultrasound report.

I held it together pretty well like I always do while Pete was upset much of our time at the hospital and the whole car ride home.  I headed straight for the shower and some ibuprofen when we got home.  I took a hot shower and cried.  Pete went to several different stores to find me some fuzzy Christmas socks, macaroni and cheese, and pads-A target run that few husbands hopefully ever have to make.  We spent the weekend on the couch with an electric blanket and the hallmark channel.  Pete coped by talking to family while I wanted to avoid everybody.  I was going through a lot of physical symptoms through much of that weekend and in to early the following week.  By the 21st my hcg level was down to 258.  A week later, 14.

Now a couple weeks later Pete has found peace and acceptance and I have been in and out of feeling more depressed.  I feel like I should be able to explain why I feel so sad still but I can't find words to describe it.  Christmas was hard but we were still able to enjoy parts of it with family.  I have been feeling so conflicted over my best friend - she got to share the news of her pregnancy with her family on Christmas and I feel like such a jerk for thinking that that was supposed to be us.  And I get really sad just talking to her about her baby stuff - something that I should be over the moon for.  I have no reason to believe we can't try again right away and I am so aware that the heartache we are feeling is nowhere compared to others who have struggled much more than us to start a family. I feel like a such selfish jerk for being so sad.  I only hope that with this new year starting we can heal and move on.

Saturday, October 3, 2015

Synfully what?! Syndal who??

Do you remember back in the day when we blogged probably almost every weekday??  And we had topics for certain days of the week, weekend recaps, blogger meetups, poser-artsy photos, link ups?? Well maybe some of that is still going on without me, but I've definitely not taken the time to keep this page up.  I have several posts partially drafted but I really just lost a lot of interest.  I used to love this space.  I've made some great friendships through this space.  But it takes time to read blogs and thoughtfully comment and write posts you are proud of.  And honestly I've just been too in to my head, my work, my life, that the last thing I wanted to do at the end of the day was sit in front of the computer some more.
So what have I been up to?
Well, mainly, managing a zoo.  Ruby is a big puppy now.  And she has officially entered hunting season.  She's doing pretty good lately, but there have been many tears in the puppy training process.

this photo cracks me up!! this is the face she makes when you tell her to stay.

It's definitely Fall here in Minnesota - cooler temps, open windows, and extra kitty snugs.  I've spent time taking care of house projects and some furniture projects but the fall is always really busy.

My friend Katy and her hubby bought their first home - like 2 miles from us!!  And they had their first annual backyard beer olympics a few weeks after they moved in.  Had scoring been consistent, the Ortmans (or 'Ortmanistan') would have taken a trophy.  Just saying.

Our Summer was pretty fantastic - our FIRST year in the last several without one single wedding. We finally had our weekends back and it was glorious.  I'll do a summer recap post because it was just so much fun :)

I'm hoping to get back in to this space because I miss it - more to come, friends!

Wednesday, April 8, 2015

Mexico with my Galentines

Over Valentine's weekend I went with 3 of my favorite girls to Puerto Vallarta, Mexico for what was dubbed 'Galentine's Weekend.'  There's only really certain people you can travel with - and I fully believe you have to have a special kind of friendship to go on vacation with somebody.  Britt, Blaire, & Becca are like my sisters and we can bicker and still have fun and it was a trip for the books!
We left on a Wednesday morning, and we took shots and had bloodys at the airport before heading on the plane - and that was the beginning of a few really fun days.


We  headed to Riu Vallarta - all inclusive and it was amazing.  We spent most of our time at the beach or pool/swim up bar.

In the evenings we stuffed our faces at the buffet, laughed at the bar, and danced at the discotecha.

On the first morning we all had "couples" massages on the beach - it was heavenly, and a perfect way to start the day.  We spent the day at the beach or the pool and went on a boat ride to a show that evening - "Rhythms of the Night"

The bummer about this evening was that it was an outdoor show and it poured.

It was also super fun hanging out with our vacation friends!  We met two couples from Nebraska and when we found out 2 of them were nurses we knew it was meant to be.  We met up with that group every night for the rest of the trip and had a blast with them!

The following day we spent near down town Puerto Vallarta. Britt has always dreamed of swimming with dolphins, so although I have done it before, we all did it again.  We all got kisses and rode on the fins - I was terrified to get pulled around the pool with a dolphin in really deep water, but I pushed myself to do it and then there were no pictures of me riding the dolphin on our picture CD!

This was by far my favorite day of the trip - we had lunch on the beach with margaritas, a bucket of beer, and the freshest fish tacos I have ever had.  And there is nothing better than enjoying it all with your best friends laughing around you and your toes in the sand. 

we tried really hard to get a good jumping picture!

That's me & Blaire going for a sunset dip - and this is when a big wave took me under for a moment and I came out of the water with my bathing suit top down and sunglasses gone forever!  We all had that happen a few times but I miss those sunglasses!!

This photo cracks me up - this was one of the resort's waiters.  One night him and another waiter hung out with us when they were done working.  We all talked and had tequila and tried to learn Spanish.  It was dark so when we got a picture with all of our eyes closed from the bright flash we died laughing.  Pajarito hooked us up with reservations the next night.

On our final day we did another boat tour where you could swim out to a hidden beach, do snorkeling and do some paddle boarding.  
Unfortunately, I had the worse case of sea sickness.  The waves and the current was really strong so I didn't feel completely comfortable getting in the water anyways, but I was really bummed to come all that way and not be able to enjoy my time out there.  It was a gorgeous day.  I layed on the boat while the girls were out on the water until there was a man in front of me saying "senorita! come with me and take nothing with you!"  For some reason I didn't even question this man and I went with him, got in a little dingy boat with 10 other strangers, and we got dropped off on a deserted beach.  It was immediate relief of my sea sickness, the beach and the view was absolutely stunning, there were crabs running around everywhere, and I had nothing to take any pictures with.

By the end of the trip we found some creative ways to shield our fried skin from the sun!

and of course we had to document the best tequila chaser we discovered - saladitas saltine crackers!  Seriously - try it ;)

sunshine, tequila, beach, friends, and adventures.  It was the best.